How to get a Girlfriend, Part One

DISCLAIMER: Why do you want a girlfriend? Do you feel lacking inside, and hope a woman will complete you? Are you lonely and lost, and seek companionship and direction? Do you believe it’s the thing to do because all your friends are doing it?

Well, I’m about to spew my thoughts on how you can get yourself a fine woman, but I need to first provide a caveat. The function of a girl is not to complete you, the man. It is not her job to give you direction or alleviate your loneliness. And you are not obligated to have a girlfriend simply because it’s the “in” thing.

Ultimately, you must be a finished product who is clear about his identity, his mission in life and his purpose; women will then gravitate to you. Take responsibility for all this stuff, and never place any of it in her hands. She doesn’t want it. And lastly, realize you have options: multiple girlfriends, monogamy, fuck buddies, friends with benefits, marriage. It’s not a simple choice between being alone and having a single exclusive girlfriend that inevitably ends in marriage (although the popular media and most women may have convinced you that these are your only two options).

Got it? Ok. Time to expand your reality.

The Relationship Arc

There are 5 stages of a relationship, and each stage requires its own unique skill set.

Stage 1: Meeting the girl

You might find her while out and about, or online, or while trolling for tail at the bar. The ability to consistently pick up women through cold approach can take months to years to acquire. It requires a combination of transforming yourself into an attractive potential mate (both inside and out), understanding social dynamics and knowing how to effectively spit game.

Stage 2: Midgame

Once you learn how to get phone numbers, actually converting those into dates can be an epic struggle. Places like my hometown of Los Angeles are notoriously flakey, and it’s any wonder how people ever hook up. Midgame is the phase that occurs between getting her contact info and closing the deal. It includes text game and conducting yourself on the date so as to get her sexually aroused and emotionally invested.

Stage 3: Endgame

While the seduction may begin on day one, it ends when you are inside her. Endgame has its own set of hurdles to overcome.

Stage 4: Converting to a relationship

If you want repeat customers, then you need to satisfy them. Often, girls have several other options, so for them to want to continue seeing you means you need to fulfill their sexual and emotional needs and desires. You must be clear from the start what your intentions are with her, and seem capable of following through.

Stage 5: Maintaining the relationship

Though you may think you have the girl, your work is never over. She may be tempted to seek out other men, or may be preoccupied with other life matters, or simply become disinterested in dating you. It’s your job to keep the relationship fresh and stimulating.

Where are All the Women At??

A 2009 survey conducted by Match.com of over 12000 people in committed relationships revealed the following stats about how people met each other:

36% at work and school

26% were set up by friends and family

17% met online

11% met at bars/club/events

Personally, I never date girls I work with, because if things go wrong, life becomes awkward to unbearable. But then, I have the ability to walk into the real world and bring into my life the women I desire. Most guys have neither the ability nor confidence to consistently pick up girls in social settings, and might likewise have difficulty with online game. Which leaves being set up on blind dates. Nothing wrong with that, but then you’ve placed yourself at the mercy of others.

So let’s accept that the majority of relationships are born out of blind dates and work/school. If you can find girls through these resources, good for you. Otherwise, I recommend you cultivate your online and cold approach skills. There is a flourishing world-wide community of pick-up artists that teaches guys exactly these skills, and despite the stigma, this community is actually a self-help brotherhood; speaking from experience, I know it’s truly effective if you put in the work. I belong to Casanova Crew, and I encourage you to join and find yourself some wings.

Cold Approach Pick-Up (CAPU)

When I got into the pick-up community at the age of 37, I had done not a single cold approach. All my girlfriends came from being set up, or them hitting on me. But I wanted more and better options, and so I spent the next 3 years working my ass off to understand and gain competency at CAPU.

It seems easy enough. Go to a bar, talk to a hot girl, get her number, take her out, make her your girlfriend. Truth is, this sounds a lot easier than it is, for a variety of reasons. You have four main ways to fuck it up. Here they are in what I consider order of importance:

1. Inner game. This phrase, coined by the community, encompasses everything inside you that makes you attractive to women. It is pervasive in all you do, from your body language to texting to how you react to her tests. Confidence, assertiveness, detachment from outcome, being present, sexual energy, power and clarity…to name a few aspects. If any of these factors are lacking, girls are likely to move on to a man who has his shit together. Think of it as you out there selling a product. Do you fully embrace your product? Do you consider yourself a man worthy of the hottest, highest quality women on the planet, and are you willing to do what it takes to get them? Or have you erected hurdles between you and your success with women?

2. Physical attractiveness. Women like tall men with certain masculine features like a wide jaw and strong physique. Obesity, bad skin and balding are turn-offs. You may look too old or too young. You may not dress well. You may smell. Any of these things can send your results down the tubes. While you need to accept those parts of you that will never change, you must also do what you can to upgrade those areas that are correctable.

3. Logistics. If she lives an hour away or you have no car, then odds of dating her drop. You should always try to stack logistics in your favor such that dating becomes low investment for both of you. But sometimes there are factors beyond your control and you lose the girl.

4. Outer game. This term encompasses everything on the outside that makes you attractive to women. Technically, I would place physical attractiveness here, but aside from that, this would include charm, lines, ability to banter and vibe, and smoothness of physical escalation.

To gain competency at CAPU, you will need to invest no less than two nights a week, every week to begin with. You will need to hit the bars and clubs hard, figuring out why you’re not hooking the interactions or moving them forward. You will have to drop your ego and take careful notes of the limiting beliefs and excuses running around in your head. You must push yourself past any approach or social anxiety, to become a person who is comfortable and relaxed walking up to and chatting with any random hot girl in any situation.

There are many ways to approach a girl, but let’s focus on my favorite, the playful direct approach. Using this, you show your intent in a fun way, and almost always if you practice it enough times, it will hit. Here are a few examples:

The Elbow Opener. Approach a girl and say with a smile, “Wow you have really cute elbows.” Typically she will laugh and look at her elbow. Follow this up with, “you probably get that all the time.” She will generally deny this, in which case you call her a liar and then tell her your name, ask for her name, and shake hands.

Dangerous Shoes. If she’s wearing dress shoes or boots, look at her feet and tell her, “Those shoes are dangerous. Pure evil.” Say it in a playful, flirty way, then move on to the name exchange.

Wrong altitude. If she’s a lot taller or shorter than you, say, “You’re cute, but you’re totally the wrong altitude for me.” Again, shake her hand and exchange names.

Once you’ve approached, you can either vibe (meaning, have casual conversation), or run a series of routines, or a little of both. For those who don’t know how to vibe or who run out of things to say, routines are extremely helpful. Head over to my other site, puafieldguide.com, and download the free ebook that contains a chapter full of routines. Try out dozens of them until you find the ones that work for your personality.

Vibing could take up an entire article by itself, but I’ll summarize it by saying being good with women means being charming and seductive. It doesn’t mean making friendly chit-chat that leads nowhere.